As parents and educators, we are driven by a sincere desire to provide the best for our children. We sometimes think that children are extensions of our childhood, and we tend to put so much pressure on them as if to fulfil our own unfulfilled dreams and aspirations through them. Some parents lay upon their children a share of their personal goals, including jobs, housing, academic achievements and an insatiable appetite for money. These goals, which can never be fulfilled as man has yet to find a way to be content with what they have, take a heavy toll on the lives of children, often denying them their carefree childhood.

As parents, we like to meticulously plan our children’s after-school activities, extra education, sports, music, and just about anything that will set them up to succeed in the job market or at world-ranked universities. How often do we consider our children’s interests, and which, if any, of these activities genuinely augment their quality of life in a meaningful way and help them achieve the ultimate purpose of their lives?

We keep the papers of unfulfilled dreams in the drawers of regret, pick them out one by one, and get our children to complete them. We often fail even to ask our children what their dreams are. Since our dreams are not our children’s dreams and desires, there will be a higher risk of not accomplishing them. The unexpected consequence is that children begin to doubt their ability and talent, resulting in a sense of inadequacy and self-doubt.

When children fail, we think this is our inadequacy; we are not pushing them enough. At this point, we start challenging them even more. We feel we are failing. This feeling gives parents a sense of entitlement to punish the child, yell at the child, and embarrass the child. Setting your child lofty goals like becoming a doctor, an engineer, or a scientist can develop an excessive sense of pressure on themselves as failures.
Our readers may ask me, ‘Should we not encourage our children to reach higher? To go to the best university?’ I would ask parents, ‘What if their child wants to sail, become a photographer, or a monk?’ Considering we never did bring a child into this world to make them a doctor or an engineer, but rather to help them be the happiest they could be, is it reasonable to impose such expectations on our children? How do we reconcile this disparity between supporting them to be genuinely happy doing what their heart desires and fulfilling the goals we set for them?

A mother who is not a doctor wants her child to become one. A mother who is a doctor wants her child to become a specialist. Both mothers want to project unmet desires onto their children.  Is that keeping with the promise you gave it when it came into this world? 
Today’s smartest children live under intense pressure and cry their hearts out for scoring 93 and losing only seven marks on a mathematics term test. Imagine what they would feel if they got three A*s and one A for advanced levels and narrowly missed a world-ranked University! Ironically, all that hard work to achieve coveted accolades and academic achievements seems to be a penance for their sins if a child is left to endure suffering despite the drudgery of study.

We don’t realise that the expectations projected onto the child always keep both parties unhappy. “My guidance” is not a word to replace “my childhood dreams”. Parents who set goals for their children without considering what is best for them untarnished by their selfish motives say loudly, “Follow your goals,” but will whisper silently, “Set by me”.
So, how do you dispense a healthy level of control over your child and help them be happy without projecting your expectations onto them?

Is there a safe place for our kids? 

Thanks to news of current affairs prevalent on mass and social media, we have somewhat of an understanding of how society currently affects our children. The reality of modern life is that as parents, we only spend 3 or 4 awake hours a day with our kids, and that as well, during the hectic morning routine or the evening wind down. During the remaining hours of the day, they are at school and society, surrounded by friends from diverse backgrounds. After school, they might attend extra classes, music lessons and sports practices, exposing them to various people and perspectives, some healthy, some not so much. Despite our best efforts to guide our kids, we must face the fact that we are only a small influence compared to the rest of the world. Consequently, our children become a product of numerous external influences.

Children are easily swayed, and a single, well-crafted advertisement can make them desire just about anything. Once attached to an idea, undoing it becomes a long and challenging process. Therefore, it's crucial to be mindful of the views we impart and allow to be imparted to our children. While it takes mere seconds to instil an idea, eradicating it may take a lifetime or even longer.

In the context of local education, students residing in hostels tend to have a reputation for good behaviour. The key to this lies in the environment. By establishing a better environment and a monitoring system, children can be safer and learn to become more responsibly independent.

Wherever they are, children should have a good education, health, happiness, and a righteous worldview. In contrast, we must question the need for an education system that produces selfish individuals. A world becomes beautiful when people care for and work selflessly for others. Do we have a place like that to bring up our kids in this world?

The School Of Wholesomeness

Our school at Jethavanarama Monastery, affectionately referred to as the School of Wholesomeness, offers a unique approach to education, focusing on both spiritual and academic development. The pedagogy aligns with the national curriculum, but the teaching mechanism is distinctively student-centred. Our approach entails a teaching and learning environment that features zero competitive pressure on students to perform better than others and instead encourages personal growth to achieve the best version of themselves. 
Classroom discussions and activities are designed to help students apply theoretical knowledge to real-world scenarios. Each student is paired with a private teacher who serves as both personal mentor and counsellor. Regular counselling sessions allow students to share and seek solutions to their personal and emotional challenges, fostering mental well-being.

The meticulously designed hostel daily routine incorporates a balance between playtime, fieldwork, and academic pursuits. Hygiene and health are prioritised, and virtue circles promote sharing positive qualities among each other. The day concludes with a "Forgiveness Circle," promoting reconciliation of any disagreements that occurred during the day.

The school emphasises the Law of Attraction, reminding students that positive actions lead to positive outcomes. Students are encouraged to self-reflect, understanding that finding solutions to problems begins with introspection rather than faulting others. This ethos of personal responsibility is encapsulated in one of our motos, "What you give is what you get,".

Homework is eliminated, allowing students to allocate their outside school time to play, integrate with nature, and contribute to the overall cleanliness of the hostel and its surroundings, instilling a sense of social responsibility. Engaging in diverse activities, from playing musical instruments to team sports and board games, promotes well-rounded development. Daily mindful awareness time enhances mental health. Special attention is paid to improving linguistic skills, and students can learn over 13 international languages at the school’s International Language Centre.

This holistic approach ensures a supportive environment free from peer pressure. Armed with the Dhamma, students are empowered to navigate challenges and cultivate a positive and harmonious atmosphere in both the hostel and the school.

Connecting Before Correcting

Teachers who connect with and guide children promote a nurturing and understanding environment. They refrain from having preconceived expectations and agendas for the children, instead focusing on observing and helping them independently identify and solve their personal and educational challenges.

Teachers lend a compassionate ear to the children, avoiding frustration and genuinely understanding each child's authentic self. They work collaboratively with students, serving as examples who follow Buddhist philosophy as the Science of Happiness, guiding them towards unconditional happiness. Advice is given only if the teachers follow it, reinforcing the principle of leading by example.

The relationship between teachers and students is akin to a family working towards a common goal of happiness. Teachers actively involve children in various school activities, including cultivation and construction projects, fostering a sense of ownership and belonging among the students.

Teachers recognise the individual capacities of each child, ensuring that expectations are practical, doable, and in the child's best interest. Aware that over 80% of communication is nonverbal, teachers are mindful of their actions to set the right examples. They maintain consistency between their words and actions, realising that what they do holds more significance than what they say.

Teachers utilise Buddhist counselling techniques and establish a unique coding system for nonverbal communication with students. This system proves highly beneficial for managing children in the classroom without disrupting others. The children absorb the school's philosophy like a sponge absorbs water, creating a positive and supportive learning environment.

Logic of Magic Nature

Sometimes, having the most mischievous child in the world is a blessing from nature. It will give you ample lessons to learn. Children always have an innate capacity to slow us down from our speedy race, to open our eyes to our mistakes and give us opportunities to change. They want things in detail, especially teenagers. 

The teachers always say they are privileged to work at the school hostel called “Noble Hearts.” They learn a lot from their experiences, and they use these lessons to help themselves alleviate suffering. It is incredible to see how the children learn through their teachers’ actions and how quickly they implement those lessons. 

Sam learns a Lesson

One day, a young child (let’s call him ‘Sam’) at the hostel got his plate switched with one of his friends. When he was given someone else's plate, he started fidgeting and whining, ‘This is not my plate!’ Everyone at Noble Hearts has their designated plate, but some labels had come off, so Sam had been given a nameless one. Another child complained that this was his plate, and Sam started to cry.

Concerned, the teacher stopped serving the other children and turned his attention to Sam. He asked the child to have the meal on the plate he had received at that time and that after mealtime, he would look for Sam’s plate and put his name on it. The sobbing became louder, and there was no sign of him settling whatsoever. He then started throwing a tantrum and shouting, creating a commotion. It came to the point that it was a nuisance to the teacher and the other children. The teacher handed over the spoon to another and spoke to the boy.  ‘Come with me, Sam…’ the teacher asked him, taking his hand and walking him into the office. While walking to the office, Sam thought he was in trouble and began to cry even louder. The teacher sat on the chair and let him cry for a few minutes until he calmed down, and then slowly started a conversation with him. The teacher asked him about the problem, and he said someone had taken his plate. It was time to open Sam’s eyes to a reality he hadn’t seen before. Pointing out the window at a blossomed tree which stood over the fence around the home, the teacher started:

Teacher    : Sam, can you see those flowers over there?
Sam        : Yes, they are pretty
Teacher    : Would you be unhappy if… let’s say, someone were to pick that flower?
Sam        : No!
Teacher    : Why is that?
Sam        : I don’t know why. I don’t really care, but if someone was to pick it... it’s OK with me. I     won’t feel sad.
Teacher    : Right… Now then, Sam, I am telling you now that the flower is yours, and you own it. What did I just say?
Sam        : That flower is my flower. It belongs to me.
Teacher    : Excellent! Do you like that flower?
Sam        : Yes, I like it… It’s very beautiful.
Teacher    : Do you want that flower? 
Sam        : Yes, I want that flower… Can I pluck it in the evening?
Teacher    : Yes… Of course, you can. Now, can I ask you a question?
Sam        : Hmm…. sure…
Teacher    : What would happen if someone else picks your flower before you do it in the evening?
Sam        : Who? Who would take my flower? Is it (a friend’s name)?
Teacher    : It doesn’t matter who takes it. How would you feel?
Sam        : I will feel so angry and sad…
Teacher    : OK, why would you be angry, Sam?
Sam        : Umm…because it is my flower.
Teacher    : Right…. But do you remember what you told me before I told you the flower was yours?
Sam        : I said that I didn’t care about it.
Teacher    : Exactly… You said you would have no worries if someone picked that flower.
Sam        : Yes… It was not mine then.
Teacher    : Spot on! That flower didn’t belong to you, but who does it belong to?
Sam        : The tree!
Teacher    : The flower belongs to that tree. It is a part of nature.  But from the moment you feel that that flower is yours, now you have a problem, don’t you?
Sam        : Yes, because you said it was mine, and now I think it’s mine.
Teacher    : Wonderful! But remember, the plate is only given to you to use, but it's not yours. It's just a plate… like all the other plates, just like your flower that belongs to the tree. The plate is only used to hold the food we eat; apart from that, the plate does not know anything. So, anyone could mistakenly take any plate and have their food on it. What do you think?

This conversation went on a little further, and Sam understood a valuable concept before returning to join the others for his meal. If we were to look at the above dialogue and the metaphor we have used in the conversation, it gives us, both the child and us, a precious jewel of advice and a life lesson.

The flower on the tree is a part of nature; we, in our mind, separate it from all the other flowers and take it as my flower. Now, whatever happens to this flower will affect our feelings. If something good happens, we are happy, but if something terrible happens, now we are upset, sad or angry. But fundamentally, we all know that the flower is not ours or mine. It belongs to nature. Just because you call the flower yours, what happens to the flower? What changes? It is the product of many millions of natural causes. We can have a minimal effect on it; it is not our creation. Of course, you may water and fertilise this tree. Still, when you think the flower bloomed on it is yours, you are waving your hand at an infinite whirlpool of emotions, a fluctuation of pleasure and sadness. Needless to say, when you replace the flower from this metaphor, you feel the same thing towards your child. We feel more worried and anxious compared to the happiness we feel. The pleasure you feel is entirely the reduction of vexation. When you think the child is yours, whether a minor annoyance or a deeply disturbing heartache, you start drowning in an ocean of possibilities to worry about.

None can predict the future. None can change the past. The only thing we can do is to accept the effects that manifest right now in front of us, the manifestation of millions of causes. The only thing that we can do is surrender to nature. If we can teach our children to flow with nature, we give them infinite capacity to learn about life. Whoever understands true nature lives happily. Instead of rushing through our lives with our children and bombarding their timetables with our unfulfilled dreams, we must be their facilitators and life coaches and train them to pace with nature. If we don't, this tips their natural balance, and chaos begins.